


More than a kiss

by Santaanawinds



Series: I love you to the moon, and sun, and stars [3]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Asexuality, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 16:00:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11901174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Santaanawinds/pseuds/Santaanawinds
Summary: Spencer's not really into sex. Zack doesn't get it. If he loves Spencer the way he is, he doesn't have to understand.





	More than a kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Set shortly after Chapter 2 of 'Stargazing'.

Because it’s Zack we’re talking about, Lifetime Member of the Bachelor’s Club, things with Spencer hit a speed bump pretty quickly. It’s maybe a couple weeks into the Vices tour and they’re alone on the bus. It should be a while before anyone’s back. Zack puts his arms around Spencer and goes in for a kiss. Spencer reciprocates, but it’s when Zack takes it a little further and there’s some tongue involved and fingers pulling at the hem of his shirt that Spencer balks.  
‘What are you doing?’ Is he kidding? Zack thought it was pretty self-explanatory. He’s not really sure if he’s supposed to answer. But Spencer looks confused. Before he can ask what’s wrong, the doors open and Brendon enters the bus.  
‘Oh, hey guys. There you are. Spencer, you want to go play video games? Look what I just bought.’ He holds up the case. It’s a new multiplayer shooting game with a zombie mode that’s supposed to be awesome. Spencer readily agrees and says he’ll go set it up. Brendon catches sight of Zack’s ‘what the hell just happened’ face as Spencer heads to the back of the bus.  
  
‘What’s up with you? Did I interrupt something? He knows it’s not likely. This is Spencer we’re talking about.  
‘Uh, I don’t know. We were just kissing and then Spencer got weird.’  
‘Weird? Spencer’s not weird. Maybe he just didn’t feel like having sex in a tour bus parking lot.’ Zack thinks if environment is so important, he’ll organize another romantic date for two in his hotel room instead. So the next city they hit, he organizes wine, chocolate covered strawberries, and dinner from the hotel room service menu and asks Spencer to come up to his room. When he opens the door and leans in for a kiss, Spencer walks past him like he hasn’t even noticed.  
  
They sit on the bed and order a crappy romantic comedy on pay per view. It’s an awful film but Spencer seems to like it enough. By the time the credits roll, they’re on their last glasses of wine and Spencer’s leaning into Zack’s side, his head on his shoulder. Zack sits his glass down, pulls away enough to look at Spencer in the face.  
‘So, uh, Brendon said I might have given you the wrong impression the other day.’  
‘Oh?’  
‘Yeah. He said you probably thought I was going straight to sex on the bus.’ This is humiliating. ‘I wasn’t, I mean, sure, I was hoping for a little make out, a bit of groping above the waist, but, like, I’m at least going to plan a nice night before I ask you to go to bed with me. I’m fast, but I’m not that fast.’ He leaves out the part where he and Sarah had sex more-or-less the moment it was mentioned. He figures that was a fluke. He watches as Spencer re-arranges his features.  
  
‘Is that what this is about? Getting me into bed?’ He tries to sound casual about it.  
‘Well, I mean, sort of. We had a nice night, right?’ Wasn’t Spence having fun?  
‘Right. It was romantic.’  
‘Right, so, why not keep it going? I mean, we’re both consenting adults. No reason why we shouldn’t. If this is something we both want to do.’  
‘I love you, Zack, and I think you’re attractive-‘  
‘And I love you. Obviously, you know that I think you’re hot.’  
‘But-‘ Spencer interjects. Nothing good ever comes after ‘I love you, but’. Was the universe finally balancing out all the good karma he’s somehow earned by not kicking puppies or committing felonies?  
‘But?’  
‘But I don’t really want to have sex with you. It’s just not fun.’ Who doesn’t like sex?  
‘You mean you’ve never had good sex? I can fix that. We’ll take it slow, I’ll be gentle, and you’ll see how good it can be.’ He knows that given the chance, he could make Spencer feel good.  
‘Why do people always say that? “You just haven’t slept with me yet”. It’s so infuriating!’ Before Zack can react, Spencer’s left and slammed the door.  
  
As usual when Zack’s messed something up with Spencer (which, to be fair, seems to be a lot more often than with his other partners), he goes in search of Brendon. He finds him in the dressing room alone with Spencer, and they’re kissing very passionately. Brendon’s guiding Spencer’s fingers to the hem of his shirt and Spencer’s pulling it off over his head. They look very comfortable and involved, so he backs out quietly, wondering if it’s just him that Spencer doesn’t want to sleep with. He knows the two of them love each other as well, so he tries not to take it personally when Spencer spends most of the day snuggled in Brendon’s arms, either in the dressing room or on the couch of the bus.  
  
He finally gets a moment while Spencer’s showering at the venue to drag Brendon away.  
‘What’s going on with Spencer? He totally shuts me down if I try to touch him, but you he’s all over like a horny teenager.’  
‘What are you talking about? Me and Spence aren’t even like that.’  
‘I saw you in the dressing room before.’  
‘Why don’t you ask him?’  
‘I tried that. He said he doesn’t want to have sex. I guess he just meant with me.’ Brendon pulls a face.  
‘What did you say?’  
‘I thought he just hadn’t had good sex yet. I told him I could fix that. He yelled at me and left.’  
‘No shit. Look, Spencer doesn’t like sex, he’s not into it. With like, anyone. When he said he doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s not about you. It’s about him.’  
‘Oh.’  
‘Yeah, oh. You know he asked me to show him how making out works because he thinks if he doesn’t get physical soon, you’ll dump him.’ Brendon says darkly, as though he might believe Spencer’s fears are right.  
‘Why would he think that?’  
‘Because he comes out to you, and the first thing you say is that he needs to be fixed. Spencer isn’t broken.’ Brendon's never been so protective in his life. That's when Zack knows he's screwed up.   
  
That night, he knocks on Spencer’s door.  
‘Spence, can I come in?’  
‘That depends. Are you going to try to fix me again?’  
‘No. I’m an asshole. I'm sorry.’ The door swings open and Zack follows Spencer in.  
‘You’ve been talking to Brendon again.’  
‘Yeah, and he explained a few things. He told me I totally missed the point.’  
‘I’m not interested in a roll in the sheets. Like, really not. Maybe one day I’ll decide to do it for someone, but they’ll have to be okay with the fact that I’m not actually into it, that I’m not attracted to them that way. It’s like doing the dishes to me-uncomfortable and kind of gross, but tolerable. If you really have to.’  
‘Well, you don’t. Have to. I’m not going to leave you because you’re…’ Zack looked for a name or a word to describe him, but he didn’t have one. Spencer took mercy and filled him in.  
  
‘Asexual. No, it’s not like a plant reproducing, no, it can’t be fixed, and no, sleeping with the right person isn’t going to change my mind.’  
‘You get that a lot huh?’ Zack grimaced. _Two out of three, nice one._  
‘Yeah, and worse. Haley said she understood, but then after we got engaged and I still wouldn’t sleep with her, she started saying that I just didn’t love her enough. It’s not like I’ve never tried, I mean, I made out with Brendon for an hour yesterday, trying to get interested in it and nothing. I just…don’t equate that with love.’  
‘An hour? Even I’d get bored.’  
‘Exactly. All I could think about the whole time was the rash I was getting ‘coz Brendon hadn’t shaved. What? What’s that look for?’  
‘You. Complaining about pash rash. It’s adorable how innocent you are.’ Spencer blushed.  
‘Shut up.’ He was only playing around, but Zack thought now was a good time to be serious.  
  
‘Look, I really put my foot in it, and I’m sorry. I don’t get it, because I love sex and I find you very attractive in that way, but I’m not going to make you do something you don’t want to do. I didn’t mean to push you into it.’  
‘I know that, now. I’m just used to a certain reaction, is all. I don’t want to be fixed. I just want to find someone who loves me enough to be okay about not having sex with me.’ This is Spencer, vulnerable, with his heart on his sleeve. It wouldn’t be the first time Zack’s heart has hurt just by looking at him.  
‘Brendon doesn’t mind.’  
‘Brendon taught me how to kiss when we were sixteen and Shelly Cartwright from my English class asked me to the dance.'  
'What happened?'  
'I refused to feel her up behind the gym and she told everyone there I was frigid and gay.'  
‘That's brutal.'  
'Yeah. He held me while I cried and told me I wasn't broken. Never asked for anything I wouldn't give. That was probably the day I decided I loved him.'  
'I don't mind not having sex with you, either.'  
‘You don’t?’ Spencer looks disbelieving.  
‘No. I get lots of sex, it's not even about that. It’s about showing someone you love them, and there’s plenty of ways I can do that with my clothes on.’  
‘You mean that? You’re not going to get tired of it when I don’t eventually ask you to bed on an anniversary, or your birthday, or some other occasion that people mark with sex?’ Okay, this is the part where he can't mess up again.  
'I mean it. I love you, Spence, that's not going to change because you don't like sex. It's an activity. It's not the whole relationship. I mean, if it is, you're doing something wrong.' Spencer steps into his arms and holds on tight. This is another moment, a much more important one.  
'I love you too.'  
  
In the coming days, the tension lets up and Spencer and Zack finally start communicating without yelling or using poor Brendon as a go-between.  
'I've been told I can be a little brick-wally with affection,' Spencer starts, 'so if you want a kiss or something, you'll probably have to ask me.'  
'You're not into that stuff either?' Zack's trying not to assume, but he doesn't want to push Spence's boundaries.  
'I don't usually think about it. It just doesn't occur to me to do that sort of stuff. You might have to make the first move a lot. I'm pretty oblivious when it comes to hints.' Okay, so maybe B has told him that about a hundred thousand times.  
'You mean, like this?' Zack picks Spencer up, bridal style, and plants one on him.  
'Yeah, like that.' Zack thinks he'd like to be like this with him all the time, but it's just not in Spencer's nature, and Zack doesn't want to push. He'll be able to count the kisses Spencer will give him in the next 4 or 5 years on his hands. Sure, it's sad to think of it in terms of 'only', but Zack will never once doubt Spencer's love for him, and he thinks that's worth a whole lot more than a kiss.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're thinking 'but what about the orgy scene the day they proposed to Zack?' fear not. I can explain. It's something he does for his lovers (well, Linda, really, and rarely at that) and so long as he's not the one being touched and he can be there more so than neccessarily being involved, he's alright with it. The 'good buzz' he feels is about seeing them blissed out and sated rather than some post orgasmic glow of his own.


End file.
